Authors note: The original story that I will recreate is called The Two Brothers by Donald Mackenzie. This story is originally about two brothers and the eldest brother's wife. The wife is not explained in much detail at all so I want to bring her to life a little bit more. I will probably switch some names around as well. The eldest brother is quick to judge and I would like to change that and make him a bit more understanding.
A misunderstanding
In a whisper of a farm lived two brothers. The youngest was named Ben. He had a strong spirit and spent exhaustive hours in the field harvesting and taking care of the animals. His older brother, Aster was also a hard worker and helped him with harvesting and keeping a roof over the family's heads. Aster played the role of Ben's father most of the time and Aster's wife, Laura played a motherly role. Laura did not contribute much to the family but lied about and enjoyed braiding her hair.
Ben's spirit was somewhat different from the others. It could be said that Ben had the soul of gods. He was pure and enjoyed the simple work of taking care of the house, harvesting the crops, mending the clothing and many other chores. He spent many hours with the animals as well. So much so that he could understand them. When they sensed land that had more succulent greens, the animals told him so and he lead them there. The love he gave the animals showed and they flourished.
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| Plowing, ancient Egypt |
One day, like any other day, Ben was harvesting. On this day, he was sewing seeds with his brother. Once they were finished Aster saw that they needed more seed and asked him to go fetch some more. Ben promptly ran back to the house. When he swung the door open he saw Laura lazily stretched across the floor, playing with her hair. "Please find the seed for me?" asked Ben. Laura slowly responded by saying, "Get it yourself. If I get up now I will mess up my hair" and pointed to cellar door. Ben quickly made his way to the cellar and gathered a hefty load of seed.
As Ben hurried through the house Laura watched with lingering eyes. "Ben?" she said. Ben's hand was outstretched towards the door when he turned around. "Yes?" Ben said. "I was just admiring how capable you are. That must be over one hundred pounds of seed you are carrying." Lauren said sweeping her eyes up and down Ben's body. Laura then stood up and closed the distance between them. Eyes fluttering Laura sweetly spoke, "I should give you a gift for all you do for us." Ben immediately moved backwards smacking against the front door. With distaste he screwed up his face and spat, "You are a bad woman. I see you as a mother! Never come near me again or I will inform my brother of your intentions." Ben swiftly turned on his foot and made haste towards the field.
That day Aster returned to the house early. When he opened the door he saw his wife lying tangled on the floor in disarray. She looked as though she had been beaten. "What has happened to you?" Aster asked urgently. "Your brother shouted evil words at me! Then he beat me until I swore not to mention anything to you." Laura cried pitifully. Aster angrily grabbed his knife and set out to kill his brother for what he had done.
After a long days work Ben made his way back to the house. As he was making his way up the trail he noticed his brother walking towards him with murderous eyes. Ben quickly realized something had gone very wrong. Ben knew his brother very well and knew that when he was in this state there would be no convincing him of the truth. Ben dropped his load and ran.
Ra "the sun god" looked down on the two brothers and took pity on them. He then made a river between the two filled with vicious crocodiles. Knowing neither one could cross the river at that time Ben yelled, "Why have you come at me with such anger and murder in your eyes!" Aster then told him what he had seen and what Laura had told him. Ben sadly shook his head and lifted his eyes to meet his brothers. "I would never do such a thing and you know it. Your wife has lied and turned you against me." Ben proceeded to tell Aster what Laura had done the day before. Guilt stricken and embarrassed Aster knew the damage he had done.
Before running into the valley of acacia behind him Ben spoke quietly with hurt laden in his voice, "After what you have done I will never return. I can no longer trust you."
Hi Lindsi!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your story retelling, I have to say that I really enjoyed how easy it was to read. The way you wrote it adds some drama to it and makes it easy to want to know how it will end! Giving the wife, Laura, more of a role in the story contributed to making the story more interesting and complex as well. The only advice I have is to double check minor details like comma placement, and the sentence "Laura did not contribute much to the family but lied about and enjoyed braiding her hair" makes it sound like Laura lies about braiding her hair rather than her story to Aster. Overall, this retelling was a great idea and the way it is written makes it a great read!
Lindsi,
ReplyDeleteYour rendition of the original story is very interesting. You did a great job of portraying the wife as selfish early on when you had her gripe about having to get seeds because she didn't want to mess up her hair. I wonder how the ending would have changed if the sun god hadn't been watching. Would Aster have killed Ben? I think this story is very relatable to people today, which makes it more interesting to read. Although unfortunate, there are people out there who will try to ruin peoples relationships with others if they feel they have embarrassed themselves. Also, people are quick to blame and assume before investigating the truth. You did a wonderful job of conveying this message in your story.
Hey Lindsi!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this story. Your descriptions of the main characters really helped me understand who they were. I've read a couple of different versions of retelling this story now, and I particularly enjoyed the way you wrote the dialogue. It helped bring the emotions of the characters to the forefront. I would have loved to have more information on what happens to Ben at the end. This was a thoughtful retelling, nicely done!